Archive for the ‘we disapprove’ Category

When I was a lad all those many years ago, I used to live for the Summer hols. As a family we used to holiday regularly first in North Wales then when I was a few years older in a Gite/cottage in Brittany.  Coming back from these holidays was always quite a sad experience for me as I really loved those family “trerts” but what used to really piss me off was from about the 10th of August and still with 3-4 weeks to go that dreaded image in WH Smiths and other shops with a group of falsely smiling children all smartly attired in pristine school uniform under a banner that read “BACK TO SCHOOL”.

Man did that really give me the pip and put a downer on the rest of my time off. Thoughts of homework not even looked at and that ominous creeping deadline began to grow in my mind like some sort of malignant canker (not helped by the old mans increasingly frequent little digs about whether I had done my homework “accurately and neatly” and helpfully reminding me that if I had done it at the start of the holidays how much better I would be feeling about it now………………….

So you can imagine the tirade of expletives that came out of my mouth when just last weekend, in July (YES July!) only one week into the traditional hols E-BAY put up a banner on the website.

 I left school in the last century but it still winds me up big time. So without any further ado – “FFS Murray” 

Yep its that time of year again where we brace ourselves for a 2 month campaign of cacophony, mess and general annoyance at the hands or claws of the Jackdaw horde.  This colony numbering in excess of 200 are now reinforcing with their Eurasian allies and planning their next conquest.  After 3 years of being hounded out of our bedroom from the incessant noise of the next breed/clutch of filthy younglings I began to fight back last year.  Honours ended even, bowed but not beaten I determined to turn the tide this year.

So in came our Atlantic Wall coastal style defences blocking off chimney pots and critically all the eaves where these despicable carrion skanks from Dunland attempt to gain access.  Sleeping lightly from bitter experience, in the last 4 nights our early warning radar has picked up a continual barrage of tapping almost sounding like drilling as the advance guards have been trying to break in through 2 layers of reinforced metal meshing.   BUT so far the defences have held.


You lookin’ at me? Must be Welsh


The devil incarnate – Omen style

Time will tell whether we have stopped them in their tracks this year but judging from the look of this mean mother I think its only the beginning. WATCH THIS SPACE for more news of anti-jackdaw measures (A-JM)


I sat through Dino di Laurentis’ marathon War and Peace at the weekend which left me with more than a feeling of dissatisfaction.  Not about the film per se (which to be honest wasn’t great) but with level of “acting” of one of the stars. It got me wondering how on earth some big star movie actors ever made it in the business when from on screen evidence their level of acting ability mirrors that of an inanimate two dimensional cardboard promotional prop of the actor.  I’m not talking about just one bad performance here as everyone is entitled to have a bad day (Charlize Theron for instance in Reindeer Games). This is about those actors who continually under-achieve despite their block buster status.  And I’m also not talking about the Steven Seagal school of actors. No, this is about those big stars who have managed to earn the adulation of the film industry.

The example that brought me to write this moan is of course Henry Fonda.  The man of 2 expressions. Dead pan and a grimace and nothing in between. No emotion that left you really not giving a monkeys fart about the character’s fate and not helped by the total inability to put on any sort of accent outside his native American.  This performance was even worse than his execrable effort in Battle of the Bulge.  He was so bad in that film that I wanted the Germans to win!  Telly Savalas and Charles Bronson looked positively RSC compared to Fonda.

Other actors who fall into this category are

John Wayne – The Green Berets marking the utter pits of this mans ability. The way he repeatedly spouts out the line “Move out” is enough to bring on a fit of nervous tick twitching.

Kevin Costner – No surprise here. Laughable in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves and even better/worse in Waterworld

Ben Affleck – About as animated a turd especially in Pearl Harbor

Saving the best till last we have – Nicolas Cage – Just too many inept performances to mention. In fact its easier to list from the 70 or so movies the performances he actually is good in which is just…………one. Kick-Ass and that’s only because he’s mimicking Adam West whose own stiff style he just about manages to pull off.

No doubt there are hundreds of others e.g. Matthew Mcconaughey but for the moment this Hall of Shame is more than enough. And in case anyone is wondering why I didn’t include James Corden who is a talentless steaming pile of ordure he just isn’t famous enough to qualify.

And I’m clearly not alone from the above link, although to class Vinnie Jones as an actor has to be an oxymoron

 TV continuity announcers. Now don’t get me wrong, my Northern accent is long gone and although I appear to speak a form of ‘Ershamese which is nothing to be proud of I do try to actually use proper vocabulary with a neutral accent. So at the risk of sounding like even more of an old fart than I actually am I’m going to have a rant.

Being  old enough to remember 3 tv channels with everyone speaking the Queens English its only fair or inevitable to keep up with the times and not alienate large swathes of the country by having a few presenters here and there with regional accents.  But the flood gates opened some years ago as the tv channels vied against each other trying to find the next “cool” accent whether it was scouse, cockney, glaswegian, or west country etc.

That was just about bearable until someone somewhere decided that they needed to go a step further and use extreme examples of “comedy” colloquial accents that incredibly they thought the viewing public would actually think cool.  I can only assume that their research was based on inner city deprived 12 year old oiks comments or those with a dangerously low IQ level.

So what was conceived was ch4’s oh so hilarious big brother continuity geordie announcer. Amusing maybe the first time by the second time I heard it I had already switched channels and they had lost me.  But the damage was done as pillocks in tv company ivory towers sought to compete.

Next up South Park and an exaggerated South London black accent where the announcer reading from a screen that warns the viewers about the content inexplicably either can’t or chooses not to say the on screen word “viewers” but replaces it with “peepull”

It gets worse. Channel 5 never wanting to be outdone in scraping the barrel then start using a welsh nit whose accent is so far off its how I imagine Edward II sounded when he came face to face with his red hot poker at Berkeley castle. Currently heard after The Walking Dead and Love/Hate serials.

And then the final straw in our inescapable decent into chavdom. The BBC, that bastion of honesty and fairness and all things wholesome – jimmy Saville, phone in scams…… well anyway.  As usual behind the curve they use one of their radio presenters to do the continuity for “down with the kids” BBC3.  This specimens name is Jen Long. Clearly too cool to be known as Jennifer and having just heard it being interviewed its quite capable of speaking almost normally. But put her in front of a bbc3 mic and ………………gods holy trousers, I’ve heard 3 year olds with better pronounciation. Its not cool and its not clever luv. You sound like you’re taking the mikey out of someone with learning difficulties. Please please BBC, sack her NOW!

And just to make matters worse its infiltrated our adverts as well (for example the Brixton vodaphone bee ads and the use of the word “powah” instead of power.

God knows what would Kenneth Williams would have said?